the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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