T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
