the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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