i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
