She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
