these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
