My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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