I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
