I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
