if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
