i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
