I wish I could punch you in the face.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
