I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
