How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
