saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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