Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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