I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's never too late to be topless.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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