mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
