Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
