My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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