Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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