remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
