Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
