so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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