a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
