Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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