I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
