I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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