one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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