Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
