dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
