I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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