Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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