He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
