Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
