youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
