I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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