you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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