coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
