Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
