my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
sarcasm needs its own font
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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