She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
