Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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