It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
