i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
