So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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