His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
