Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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