so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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