so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
